Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I love you. Go after that dick
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
