remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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