new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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