last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize