theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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