He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
