life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Randomize
