life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
