Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
