Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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