Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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