I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
