I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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