She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
