In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
