I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Is it penis luge time yet?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
