got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
