I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
