I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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