i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think my vagina is haunted
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know