There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God