I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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