if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
