there's paper in my vomit.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
