I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
