matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
