Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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