it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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