What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
