My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
