so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Randomize
