I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
did i walk over a car last night?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
