I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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