You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
