My liver just broke up with me...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
how drunk are you?
Several
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
