i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
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Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
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But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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