I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
