Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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