I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
