i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just found puke in my bra..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
