There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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