Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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