I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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