Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
