The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
