the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
