I'm so fucking centered right now
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Is it penis luge time yet?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
