I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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