There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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