I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
