WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
