I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
