i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
