Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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