I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize