got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
