We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
