All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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