shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
