It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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