When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
